Wednesday, March 13, 2013

The Stab. The Pain. The Inconsolable Longing

On the Velachery-Beach suburban MRTS early on a lazy cloudy Saturday morning on the way to catch a train home. Wondering if God liked anything that we had done on/to earth. Whether he thought the earth was better off on the sixth day, right before he had created man. Wishing Chennai was beautiful.

And then I saw it. Breathless. A small stretch of the ocean. Three ships on the horizon. Dull gold rays pushing their way through the clouds towards the ship in the middle. Reflecting off the ocean and lighting up the ship from beneath too. 

It seemed as if heaven had come alive right before my eyes.

Thoughts flooded my head faster then I could process them. About how much more glorious heaven would be. Maybe heaven would have an endless sea stretching across its horizon. About how God enjoys the things that we make. The work of our hands. Like ships... and well ships. (Sorry. Couldn't think of anything else). About how God chooses to illuminate our sad little crafts. About how God enjoys and rejoices over beauty and chose to share this private piece of art with me, his beloved.

And then it was gone. As abruptly as it had appeared.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The Rule of Subtraction

This is dedicated especially to all the single girls out there. I hereby unveil to you one my favorite untested theories of life and love which never fails to fill me with immense happiness every time I chance to reflect on its deep and powerful meaning. I hope it brings you joy. Without any further ado, I present to you- The Rule of Subtraction. Thank you for your applause. You are too kind.

A lot of your good looking friends maybe getting married. But do look closer and observe that the guys they are marrying are unfailingly boring, bad looking and old. And a lot of the good looking girls in your world are in relationships. With creepy, obsessive, stalker-ish guys.

So what does that leave us with? Plain old subtraction, class.

All thats left on this blue planet are the plain, bad looking girls like you and me. And the normal, non-creepy, funny, intelligent guys. Some of them may even be good looking. Hurray! Life's not fair. Thank God!

Yes. I am aware that I'm shallow. And sad.

Momos and Goose feathers

Can't even bring myself to eat momos there anymore. Brings back memories of when Anila and me were gulping down the hot stuff after getting drenched one rainy evening.

I used to be happy being alone here. I like myself (most times) and enjoy my company (most times). Walking alone in the dark through the streets of Koramangala with huge trees lining my path - which were giving out the white transparent cellophane like stuff I initially mistook for goose feathers - used to give me such a rush. Of course being slapped on the butt by kind strangers on bikes did make me feel violated.

The place is still beautiful. But it brings me little pleasure now. All I can think about is ALincy and me walking down after dinner casting jealous eyes on all the big, pretty houses dreaming aloud about the pretty house we'd one day build from scratch and then - as reality sets in - opting to buy a house once the residents of Koramangala start filing for bankruptcy and the real estate market crashes.

My friends have left their large, muddy footprints all over my solitude and now every inch of the city exhales noisily with memories. Memories that rush upto me and force me to look at them. And remember.

It'll take me some time to go back to the way I was.

To enjoy washing clothes with a single CFL bulb, looking up every now and then to see the moon in all its ungarish beauty (unlike the stars which try to impress with all its twisting and twinkling). To enjoy overhearing my neighbour talking to his dog. To enjoy my neighbour's sapottas which she says grew in her farm in Andhra. To look at a turn in the road as just that and not try to think about how my friend used to live just a few feet away down that turn.

To not sigh over sappy quotes like 'No matter where you go in the world and what you see, you need someone to share it with to make it special'.

Give me some time. I'll be alright.

Monday, May 17, 2010

The hills are alive... With the sound of laughter??

The smartest three year old in the world lives in the house opposite mine. Kezia can read. Actually READ! She reads the newspaper headlines to her uncle, reads me fairy tales and reads road signs to impress her grandpa.

Anyway... My friends had come over for my birthday and we were eating lunch with my family and Kezi. She wanted to see her dog and so both of us went to the front gate of my house and were saying 'Hi' to Nimmy, her dog who was reciprocating with 'I miss you too' whines. Suddenly, Kezia's ears peaked up and she dragged me to the dining room, pointed and said with a glorious expression on her face, 'Laughing. They are laughing'.

You'd have thought they were turning water into wine (no offense, God) if you went by the excitement on her face.

And that made me choose my #1 on my List of Favorite sounds right before 'The sound of rain on a metal roof' and 'The sound of popcorn in the microwave'...
My #1 is... (drumroll please)-----The Laughter of people I love.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Sunday Blues

There was a time around Valentine’s Day (Btw this year’s was the best ever!) when I could just wake up on Sunday mornings and I could feel God’s presence embracing me. It seemed as if God was pacing my room stealing a look at me every millisecond or so (twiddling His thumbs for good effect), waiting for me to wake up. And when I did, He just rushed to my side and hugged me.
That those were glorious mornings would be an understatement. Instead of getting bludgeoned with self-made worry and paranoia, I could just bask in the glory of His presence. Like I was always meant to.

That was then. Don’t really know how everything went south from there. Guess I attributed some kind of voodoo to Sundays, taking God for granted and assuring myself that all Sundays would be magical regardless of whether I thirsted for God or not. Maybe I sought the experience more than I sought God. Maybe I should have longed more deeply for Him. I have no idea. 

But my friend Jacob did use to say
Jesus fed thousands, yet only twelve were at His Passover table. And only one nestled at His bosom. As we draw near to Him, He draws near to us.

Those Sundays already seem like a distant memory. I wish they didn’t.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The Twilight Zone

I need to grow up. Pronto. I seem to be stuck in some sort of limbo, thinking I’m eternally thirteen or something. Huge confessions coming up….

I watch the Disney shows. And like it. I seek out internet gossip about celebs like Miley and the Jonai. I mean, even normal teenagers wouldn’t be caught dead with that kinda stuff. I am supposed to be this level headed 21-year old who supposedly has the world at her feet (or so my folks say). And yet… My eyes actually glazed over when I saw Edward Cullen in this.

Man! To walk into school like that. Wait a sec! I graduated from high school way back. Isn’t it time to let go, let live and all that?
Talking about Twilight. Let me make this very clear. There were moments when I detested the movie. Boring Bella who has no interests in life but Edward gives up everything- family, friends, sanity for this guy with infinite stalker qualities. He actually follows her everywhere (for her own safety, of course) and all he wants to do is eat her up. Yup. He's a freaking vampire.
Thats just horrible on so many levels.

But how can you hate a guy who says 'If I could dream at all, it would be about you' and 'For almost ninety years I've walked among my kind, and yours.. All the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren't alive yet.'

So where does that leave me? Watching Hannah Montana reruns and telling myself that I am not sad.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

I am loved

Dear God,
Thank you. I am loved and that's all that matters.

Even when you had your 99 sheep (who always did everything right) safe in the pen with You, Your heart still ached for me. Me out all alone caught in the thistles.

Lord, I know that I have nothing to offer you but heartache. And I don't mean the 'my heart aches and longs for you' kind, but rather the 'me doing something hugely horrible and You getting incredibly hurt' kind.

Thank you for choosing me Lord, even though there are plenty out there who are much nicer, kinder and ruddier - (adj. ruddy, you know like David).

How precious are your thoughts about me, O Lord.
I can’t even count them; They outnumber the grains of sand!
I rarely ever make sense, and I'm always grumbling.
Yet you say 'Show me your face, let me hear your voice'

Help me to love You back with the same passion.
I may feel like a loser most of the time, but its okay Lord.

I am loved. And that's all that matters.

With lotsa kisses,
Your daughter.